I wear eyeliner to look more feminine and pretty and guys wear eyeliner when they are in shitty punk bands to look badass. Idgi.

Too good.

This is my old personal blog

but I changed my main blog name to seacapta1n.tumblr.com

but I changed this to my old name just incase I want it back. so follow me on my other one this one never gets updated. 

My legs barely made it up the steps of my apartment building and my eyes hardly stayed open the whole way home. Its strange how I found it difficult to get a ride over to an ex-lover’s house but now I drive two and a half hours to see someone who fills my head with everything I’ve always wanted to hear.

I’ve probably seen something like this in movies because does it really happen in real life? I guess it must since I just got back from a different state begging for money from my mother so I could see someone’s brown eyes for about an hour. 

And when I got home it feels like I’ve ruined everything because I already know I did last night and I have the proof of it and its something I don’t want to talk about. 

I’m exhausted from my thoughts because everything is running in circles and my body can’t keep up and I want to fall asleep and sleep straight through for a year or maybe two and wake up and have no plans and no goals and no responsibilities or places to be because I just don’t care anymore.

I want to shred my calendar and burn my agenda and lie on the roof of my car looking at the stars by a lake in Texas or by a natural wonder of the world.

And on my way back from Ohio after stealing Christmas bulbs and baja blast I saw the third shooting star I’ve ever seen in my life. Maybe that counts for something.

I don’t know if you’re asleep or laying there awake but I’ve tried to close my eyes but I’m wide awake. I don’t know if you were trying to make me feel better or if it really wasn’t my fault that you were in a bad mood before you went to sleep but I can’t help but feeling I was the cause. 

I’m sorry I’m selfish and I only pretend to care about whatever is going on in my head and then when you ask for things I just say no. It would have been easy to be sweet to you but instead I just told you I wasn’t feeling like it. I’m selfish and these words make knots in my stomach because someone I used to be in love with told me that she was selfish and she apologized for it in advance, and I told her I didn’t care, and she told me that one day I would. And she was right because it happened. I never want to be like her but I am sorry that I think the world revolves around me because it very well doesn’t and I know that somewhere but I can’t help but thinking it.

I’m also very sorry that it is hard for me to be nice and tell you sweet things and that you only get to hear them every so often in conversation but you tell me things that make me smile all day. I don’t like to share my feelings with anyone but I’m really trying for you. I don’t like when you know how I’m feeling and even though I trust you its still really hard for me. I don’t know when it will be easy to just say and do things I’m feeling but I’m glad you’re taking the lead because sometimes its just the little boost I need to get to where I need to be.

Sometimes I feel crazy for liking you the way I do because I’ve only seen you 3 times in my entire life and everything I feel is based on the way we talk to each other and I’ve learned not to rely on words because they get me no where. I’ve learned how much people can say one thing and their actions show another and everything results in a lie. So I’m sorry I’m afraid. 

And its getting later and later and I just can’t stop thinking about what it would be like to hold your hand and how when we went to that college that walking up those stairs just a little bit closer would have made everything a little more colourful. And I don’t know what I would do if you didn’t answer every phone call because I know that eventually I’ll make you laugh and I don’t like to depend on technology but right now the phone is all we’ve got.

Sometimes I sit back and wonder what I’m getting myself into because I’ve always thought I operate better on my own anyhow even though on nights like tonight its lonely. I don’t know what I’m expecting or if I’m even expecting anything but I like when you tell me that you’re not done with me for the night and I like how whatever you smell like smells like home and I like the things that come out of your mouth when I can hear your voice and I love how you pretend to hate me sometimes.

I don’t know what it would be like to not talk to you for a day and I can barely go a half hour with out going crazy. If I could I would drop everything to drive to where you were for maybe just a minute. Even though it scares me I like when you tell me you’d do whatever you could to make me happy.

I’ve never done anything in my 19 years to deserve someone like you. I’ve got bad karma and a bad attitude. I don’t deserve to be treated like a princess or have you feed into my games but you know, the last year has been really hard for me to get through because things have gotten bad faster than I can keep up with and I’ve been begging for something or someone to come along that would finally make everything ok again and then there you were. 

And the shittiest part about it and me is that I’ve been waiting for you and now that you’re in my life I panic and push you away and I get nervous about the pretty things you say and I get sick over the way I want to see you so badly. 

And its nothing you have done or did and you’re not scaring me away and I don’t want you to think that. Its just me and my lack of ability to trust anything that comes close to me and all you have to do is give me time to sort through it and everything will be fine. Just don’t stop doing what you’re doing….

because I like you a lot and I want to be closer to you in distance and in soul and I just want to fill my day with you and hear your voice and do things that make me think of you and listen to songs that are “your jams right now” and I want to think about you whenever my brain quiets down because they’re nice thoughts and I need those and I just want to feel your hands on mine eventually and be in your warmth and I can’t wait for these things to happen even though the thought of liking someone the way I like you is something I never wanted to get myself into again. 

I’m sorry for anything I’ve done and anything I will do I just don’t want you to give up on me because you’re the sweetest thing and I would be crazy to do anything to lose you.

Dear P, 

     I like to keep my personal relationships with other people quiet so I hope you’re not offended that I’m just using your first initial even though I can guess people would already know who you are. 
I’ve been thinking the entire day about what you said to me and it all circles back around to how I’m afraid to disappoint you because you are too good to me in the things you say and your actions and how you just want to take care of me. It almost makes me sick to my stomach to think that you care more than most people have and we don’t even know each other like I feel we do. I feel like I’ve known you my entire life even if its virtually or not at all or whatever. 
And I’m going to apologize right now for anything that I do or say if I try to push you away because I get scared really easily because its hard for me to believe that someone can like me like that. I’ll be patient if you’ll be patient. Because I want you and all I want to do is see you because we talk this talk and who knows whats going to happen when we’re actually together and its just you and me.